So Slight

Waxie Moon: There are no words

Seriously. No words. That face (and makeup)... the dance. The finale. I... awesome.

An Entry for Entry's Sake

So, yeah. I've been away for a while. I'm desperately attempting to finish my online design classes before my deadline is up. I'm also training to run a 10K on Memorial Day, a challenge that is currently being hampered by rain and flowering fruit trees and my allergies thereof. I've been Twittering like a champ though, in as much as one can use the sentiment 'champion' and 'Twitter' in the same sentence.

Here's the design I'm currently working on. Keep in mind, I'm trying to finish my class up in an extreme hurry, so simple was the key. This is a fake poster for a real event, a race I enjoyed last year in spite of the 95 degree temps. I'm still in the midst of nuancing this and am really only posting it to get up an entry in the hopes that I'll get back into regular posting. I'm thinking I need to play with the type (a lot) and fill a bit more space on the right. 

Guh. Better entry later. Am distracted by watching Twin Peaks. What a weird show. I love it.

Weighing In: The Octo-mom and her website

So we've all heard of Nadya Suleman, octo-mom. But have you seen her website? Behold (avert your eyes though):

 

Aiee! What garishly awful bit of web design be this?

I know what you're thinking. "But semi-anonymous author of www.so-slight.com, you yourself have a website that both sucks and is not functional from a design perspective. What right have you to criticize another's web site?"

Well, not much. But you'll notice that I don't have a PayPal solicitation box either and I don't make any money from the one or two ads I sometimes put on the sidebar. I come to my under-designed, under-utilized blog so that it may be a haven from the blogs of other graphic designers who are capable of pleasant web design and thereby cause me to be jealous. Anyway.

I would call this the very essence of whimsical, and whimsy seems to be perceived across the board by its creators as "anything I can slap together in twenty minutes and then say that it is purposefully child-like, when really it's more like I can't be bothered to make this look like I can actually draw to any degree of realism." Or either that's just how I perceive it. Same diff. The shadows are awful, and probably just the default drop shadow setting, which, way to try, desginer. Overall, the effect is cobbled together and I wouldn't doubt that it really only took the maker 20 minutes to comp, design, and upload.

Further, the typography boggles the mind. For instance:

 

At a glance, it appears that the designer is calling Jonah a mole. And that's just inappropriate.

Moving along to the ethics of this whole situation, I personally think it was crazy to put oneself in a situation where you know that you have the chance of having six children, with the potential that twins could manifest, leading to the eight children in this case. Because to me, having one, two, or three healthy children would outweigh any misgivings I might have toward reducing the total number.

Regardless. I understand the public outcry. I support it. This is insanity, and if TLC makes this a series, so help me I will never watch any of their scintillatingly strange programs like Tree Man, Mermaid Girl, The Two-Headed Girl, The World's Smallest Man, The World's Fattest Man, or Trading Spaces ever again.

However, people threatening to boycott any company that provides support to Nadya Suleman is upsetting. Because not getting the handouts of diapers and baby food may affect her, but it's actually going to hurt the children, who are the real victims, in a much harder way. Take away the license of the doctor who caused this, and insist that Suleman go to a psychiatrist, but give the kids a fighting chance at normalcy, because there's no way their lives will ever be considered simple.

Also, Katie Allison Granju made an excellent point here when she said that if anyone should step up, it's the Pro-Life Movement. Seriously. Nadya Suleman should be their poster child.

The Bachelor: Making my parents look almost functional since 2002

This week, on the most shocking episode of the Bachelor since the last one aired, it was hometown date night. I love hometown date night. I really love watching it with my mom, because it is valid confirmation that these crazy parents do things she couldn't even imagine... My dad is a whole different brand of hard to be around, but the day he talks about Jesus for half an hour while my mom takes the dead roadkill out of the freezer to give it a funeral is the day that the actual problem is just that I took too much LSD and am hallucinating that I'm on the Bachelor. I'll probably also be chanting "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42!", calling everyone Mc[character-trait], and plotting to kill my enemies with a teddy bear stuffer (that's a Nip/Tuck reference, and if you haven't seen it, you just can't even imagine how disturbing that is. SHE GAVE HIM SHINY LITTLE BUTTON EYES!)

Ahem.

Perhaps some of that will make sense in a minute. I'm not making any guarantees, though, because I sat through the whole show and am still not entirely sure that I wasn't tripping on Nyquil. The first date goes to Jillian from Canada. Her parents seem really nice and normal, and enthusiastic about Canada. For real, I don't think anything truly strange occurred, and for a couple that produced a daughter who bases her Man Theory on hot dog toppings, I was not expecting that. Her Nana is hilarious, and I'll bet she's totally the type who would ask how Jason is in bed. And then say something like, What, I can ask, can't I? What's the big deal?

Then there was Molly's date. I'm kind of a Molly fan (as much as I can be a fan of a woman who appears on the Bachelor), but then she showed up in an argyle sweater, which would have been fine if she hadn't been wearing it on the golf course of a country club. I worked at a country club in college. It did not leave me with a positive impression to country club members in general (except for Dr. Williams, who prescribed me narcotics when I was sick, Dr. B who gave me a twenty every now and then so I could eat decent food, and... that's about it.) True to the stereotype, Molly's dad is all decked out in a sweater vest and her mom is of the personality that could be described as 'arch.' I got an immediate visual of Norma Desmond singing "Salome" if you know what I'm saying. To wit, Norma drags out a truck full of hats and makes Jason and everyone else put them on. To her credit, Molly looks as though she'd like the couch cushions to smother her to death. Then I just can't put it any better than this recapper did: "Molly's mother drags Jason down to the basement and forces him to draw a picture of Molly. We get a scary disembodied head surrounded by roses. I am surprised she didn't shove Jason into a pit and send down some lotion in a bucket."

Then, Naomi. Her mom is very California new age, the kind who eschews the chemicals in hair dye and learns to belly dance and uses the cycles of the moon to predict her biorhythms. I know this because she makes everyone hula hoop, which they can all do except for Jason. Whereas I had to practice piano for an hour, Naomi probably had to hula hoop and perhaps twirl around one of those sticks with the ribbon on it, though Jason unfortunately wasn't asked to do that.

He was, however, asked to provide the eulogy for a dead dove that Naomi's mother hit with her car and had stashed in the freezer for just such an ocassion. You know, as we all do. We then get hit with a bunch of malarky about reincarnation. That dove is totally going to be born again as Ty's goldfish, and the cycle of Jason having to make up crap about the beauty of life and death will be perpetuated over a toilet in Seattle. Then, Naomi's dad, who seems like one of those men who was totally emasculated by the overarching weirdness of his ex-wife the bird killer, talks about Jesus for an uncomfortably long time, never actually asking a question about whether Jason has a personal relationship with Jesus, but just talking and talking until time is up.

Last is Melissa. Citing that her parents are private people, she tells Jason that he will be meeting her friends instead. Jason flips out, and I have to say, just because you're willing to live two seasons of your life on a contrived dating show doesn't mean that everyone thinks it's cool. Also, when do you actually work? Name something about the premise of this show that doesn't defy all logic, and I will call you a liar. Anyway. We meet her friends. On the whole, it's uninteresting.

Rose ceremony. Historically, the person who hasn't paraded her parents in front of ABC's cameras goes home (and by historically, I mean of the few seasons I've watched and that I can recall), but that isn't so. Since he's not down with bird funerals and possibly with Jesus being his best friend, Naomi is the one to go. She makes a very valid point when he tells her that he didn't think she was ready to settle down (basically calling her a lying liar since he asked her if she was ready to settle down a hundred times and every time she assured him that she was) and she says that she would rather have heard him say he was more in love with the other girls. I mean, I suppose if I had a boyfriend who was dating three other women, I wouldn't want to hear him say that his other three girlfriends were more committed than me. But then I'm applying that to a real world dating situation, so never mind, that's just silly.

Next week, Jason (and by Jason, I mean ABC) takes the girls to some beautiful island. And the beauty of that island is marred when DeAnna shows up for some ungodly reason. And by the previews, it's sort of hard to tell whether she's telling Jason that he still has plenty of time to make his decision in general or if she's saying he still has a chance to snag her. At any rate, it appears that her mere presence is enough to make Jason sob and consider hurling himself off the second floor balcony. Next week, on the most exciting episode of the Bachelor since this one!

Defending the Under-utilized Office Drone/Disproportionate Runner!

This has replaced the Build-A-Squid as my favorite website. If Marvel would care to make a comic out of either of the following characters, feel free to contact me. I have a million stories.

First up: Office Girl

    

Note her pasty pale complexion and tasteful, office appropriate ensemble, complete with pearls. Well, the skirt's a little short, but compared to the alternatives... Note her claws. She used them to slash to death the man who once cornered her and a coworker in their office and when the coworker mentioned being angry by saying "had her claws out" the doddering old perv said, "Claws out? You don't make the kitty angry. You have to be nice to the p***y. You have to stroke the p***y." Well, this kitty was angry. Ahem.

Note also the raised eyebrow. It's stuck like that. And the left hand? Well, she punches coworkers who eat fish for lunch in the stuffy office area in the face with that iron clad fist, which emits the scent of roses. Beware Office Girl. Do not trifle with her. And if you value your life, never offer to stroke anything.

            

Next up, Office Girl's alter-ego, Runner Girl. You may notice that Runner Girl has comically over-sized breasts, which in the real world would make running nearly impossible, or extremely unpleasant at the very least. There were, however, no other options (and thanks for that, Marvel. Thanks for skewing little comic nerd boys' expectations and making little comic nerd girls feel inadequate. That's what we call social responsibility.) Those compression sleeves and tights enabled her to go to the Olympics, or whatever this bombed out crater planet's version of the Olympics is. They use a torch there too, but it's mainly because there, it isn't illegal to set your competitor's hair aflame. Though that just makes some of them run faster. Thus, the shotgun in the back holster. You'll see that Runner Girl won some sort of medal. The foot-wings helped.

So, clearly, I should write comics. I would help you realize profits in the tens of dollars, Marvel, so don't let me get away!

I don't have Photoshop on this computer, but this is clearly the next best thing..

Glitter Graphics

Please. Drink Responsibly.

Squee...d

My new favorite website: Build a Squid found via the awesomeness that is NOTCOT.

This is Sprocket. He has a complex, so don't tell him he looked like a cooked lobster.

 

When you're done building, then you can search for your squid and see what they've been up to. Apparently, in the four minutes since he came into this world, Sprocket managed to get into a fight with a diver and turn blue. I also slung him all around the screen, which is a good stress reliever. For me, at least.

The Bachelor: They can't all be mustard guys

Ah, how I loved living life without feeling compelled to watch the Bachelor. Because, let's admit, the Bachelor is nothing if not a manual for how to not be when looking for love. The new Bachelor is Jason, who you may remember from The Bachelorette: DeAnna's Inflated Sense of Self Edition.

Jason is lovely, but I find him boring. His son and his love for his son is wonderful, but Ty seems like one of those kids who's so sweet you just pray for him to do something like try to put the cat in the blender, just so you know you're not raising one of those kids who'll snap and murder you as an adult, grinning the entire time and telling you how much he loves you. That, or he'll be a motivational speaker on how YOU can be happy EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.

Let's do another rundown of the contestantettes. I will say that since it's been a week since I watched the show and I didn't pay a great deal of attention at the time, I'm going to be going mostly off of impressions from their photos and summaries from other sites so I'm clear on "Oh yeah, that's the whore that got drunk and put her panties in his pocket." I'm already longing for the days of Matt the English Bachelor, where the panties flew like he was Brett Michaels and he called his girl "Monkey" when they got "engaged." This season is probably going to be really dull.

Jason: Single dad, looking for love, spurned by DeAnna (fortunately), should spend more time shirtless. We're going to hear enough about him this season, so I'll leave it at that.

 

Ann, 24; Flight Attendant: Sent Home.

Ann uses the old "pick me and you can fly wherever you want for free" tactic which apparently fails.

   

Dominique, 26; Medical Sales Rep: Sent Home

She's pretty adorable at first, and on the video, tells us about her tiny little town where you can take romantic walks by the sewage treatment plant. Then she makes a crack about how many of the local guys can't afford the $3.50 matinee movie, but to be fair, they probably just don't want to see Vicky Christina Barcelona or The House Bunny, which are the two features playing at the time. Lest you should wish to know Medical Sales Rep of what, it's apparently implants for bunions and hammertoes. I'm beginning to understand her lack of a rose.

 

Emily, 23; Casino Marketing Rep: Sent Home

Big Seahawks fan. This does not make Jason all a-flutter, apparently.

 

Erica, 25; Account Executive

Makes Jason guess where she just was. The correct answer is "catching a flying fish." That was probably his second guess. Is the fact that I don't make men guess things like this about me the reason I don't date much? Or is it simply the reason that I don't go on reality television dating shows? I'd like to assume the latter.

 

Jackie, 26; Wedding Coordinator: Sent Home

Homegirl looks older than 26, but I think it was probably an air of desperation that came off her. To be fair, I think I'd probably be the exact same way if I spent my life planning other people's weddings. She talks a lot about her first wedding and seems hyper-concerned with her next wedding. Which I'd call a bad plan if you're trying to attract a man who doesn't list "desperate" among his list of desired personality traits in women. She also makes the ever successful move of telling him all about how she was once engaged, left that guy in the middle of the night by leaving the ring on the pillow (that's nice and passive-aggressive), married someone else, but that didn't work out either. Awesome. So... not so great at the relationship judgment then?

 

Jillian, 29; Interior Designer

Calls herself a 'polished hick.' No such thing. However, she does base her taste in men on what topping they put on their hot dog. She goes into great detail. Which I'm going to relate here (you're welcome): Ketchup guy is a good, strong, loyal, loving guy. Loves his mom, talks to her several times a week. Sauerkraut guy is the bad boy [Kate adds: "with the bad breath"] who they all go for. Onion guy, they all love him, but he's never going to get married. But mustard guy, that's the guy who they all want to settle down with, because he's part ketchup, part sauerkraut. Yeah. I'd totally base all my love on that. Also, is that really what mustard is? I thought it came from mustard seeds. Wikipedia backs me up on this. Jillian is thrilled that Jason is a mustard guy. As are we all. As are we all indeed.

 

Julie, 26; Teacher: Sent Home

I'm surprised her looks alone didn't make the cut. Maybe he just didn't talk to her.

 

Kari, 27; Advertising Executive

Kari wrote an awful poem. It read thusly: "Jason, a first smile. Worthwhile. Our first meeting, all of us competing." So, I'm guessing she's not responsible for writing ad copy?

 

Lauren, 27; Teacher

Leopard print dress. Nice. Also, it's her birthday, so that essentially means that she's safe regardless because Jason is too nice to reject her on such a special day.

 

Lisa, 27; Public Relations Associate

Suggests that Jason tries Idaho potatoes. I don't know why.

 

Megan, 25; Single Mom & Lacrosse Coach

Megan says that the other girls can either be her best friends or worst enemies, their choice. A) I know which one I'd choose, and B) I just hardcore imagined Billy the puppet from the Saw movies wheeling out on his little tricycle and saying "Friend or foe... Make your choice." Oh please let someone's spine get ripped out by a complex feat of engineering! Megan has a 14 month old, which is reason enough for the other women to decide she's a terrible mother for leaving such a young baby. By the same token, I could say they all have horrible work ethic for leaving their jobs to be on a reality show, but whatever. In an attempt to inject drama into this show and make it the most exciting Bachelor ever for what, the 20th season in a row? they invite the women to vote for the person they most wish to see not get a rose. Chris Harrison says that the woman with the most votes (which ends up being Megan)will be leaving tonight, but that turns out to be bullsh!t. In a twist that's really just a poor attempt to screw with the contestants and the viewers, she's actually leaving WITH A ROSE tonight. That no one jumped on Chris Harrison and stabbed him with her fake nails is a testament to their physical civility. Not a testament to their verbal civility? Megan calling all the girls who voted for her "You f***ers." Fair enough, but as one woman pointed out, that's why they voted for her in the first place. Then, she nearly cries and says she's used to being friends with everyone. Clearly.

 

Melissa, 25; Sales Rep

Was once a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and seems to think that people think cheerleaders have their pick of the guys. Probably not the guys who are semi-literate and without multiple concussions. Perhaps she might have had a chance with Tony Romo, if it weren't for that meddlin' Simpson girl!

 

Molly, 24; Department Store Buyer

She says her confidence will make the other girls jealous. Five bucks says she has a mother who raised her on the philosophy that the other girls call her names and spit in her hair because they're jealous rather than just because she's a bitch. Her big pick-up line is to demand to see his golf swing.

 

Naomi, 24; Flight Attendant

Speaking of bitches, Naomi apparently "handles bitches with a slap." Just what a guy wants to hear from the future step-mother to his child.

 

Natalie, 27; HR Recruiter

I think we'll just refer to her as Lady Not Appearing in this Episode.

 

Nicole, 25; Menswear Buyer: Sent Home

Wore an orange dress because that's Ty's favorite color. Presumably, she was sent home because Ty wasn't there to make a case on her behalf. She looks a bit like Janice from Friends.

 

Nikki, 29; Administrative Assistant

They would have us believe that Nikki still, at 29, enters beauty pageants. I myself would be concentrating on getting a better job, but I was never in a pageant, so perhaps I underestimate the lure of Preparation-H on your ass-fat and under your eyes (I had a friend who did this) and of the honor of wearing a ribbon proclaiming you the prettiest pretty princess in your state. Nikki gets the first impression rose, presumably for being able to watch four children at once without catching anything on fire. Meaning that I too could have gotten a first impression rose, having worked in a childcare facility where I was the only one who didn't take extended smoke breakings.

 

Raquel, 27; Medical Student

She's from Brazil. Cue drooling that generally accompanies guys hearing the word "Brazillian." Also, cue me telling my favorite W. joke: Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and says, "Mr. President, I have some distressing news. Five Brazillian soldiers were killed in combat today." W. turns pale, puts his head down on his desk and starts crying. Finally, he pulls himself together and says "So give it to me straight... Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" Ta da! The time for Bush jokes is nearly gone, people. Tell it while you can!

 

Renee, 36; Jewelry Designer: Sent Home

Oh Renee. You and your vision board with the qualities of your future man collaged on it. Whatever you do, don't show it to Jason. That reeks of desparation. Telling him about it didn't work any better.

 

Shannon, 29; Dental Hygienist

She calls herself a Tooth Nazi. And the annoying doesn't stop there, folks. Shannon exits the limo wearing a set of hillbilly dentures and asserts that she tries to be funny. To which I say, stop lying. She also says she's not a stalker, but clearly I'm not up on the new definition of 'stalker,' wherein knowing Jason's birthday and that her name is the same as the name of Jason's brother's girlfriend is non-scary. She gets creepier and creepier as she tells him about all the things he is that she loves. And that he has pretty teeth. They probably edited out her telling him how she likes to boil bunnies.

 

Sharon, 32; Teacher

Started off with salsa dancing, apparently as a trick to hold his hand. I'd have just gone for a handshake. She also quit her job to meet Jason. Good plan! There are tens of jobs to be had out there!

 

Shelby, 23; Account Executive: Sent Home

Shelby opens with the factoid that her hometown, Stockton, CA, isn't really that great of a place. Pardon? Pavement/Stephen Malkmus is from there. Stockton is a magical place just for that. It's a shame she's sent home, kind of, since she made some pretty hilarious comments. But then again, she's a Stockton hater, so Shelby is dead to me. As well as to Jason, apparently.

 

Stacia, 24; Single Mom and Charity Accountant: Sent Home

I vaguely remember him speaking to her, but nothing specific.

 

Stephanie, 34; Single Mom and Medical Marketing Rep

Stephanie is from my hometown, and is a widow. Her husband and his brother were killed in a small-plane crash when their daughter was 10 weeks old. Our local Y is named for them, since they were involved with its refurbishment. They were very highly thought of, locally. At the risk of now being a huge bitch, the other things I know about Stephanie is that this photo is rather generously Photoshopped and her wedding was a huge, pretentious affair. Also, her eyebrows in the videos shown here are rather Joan-Crawford-esque. When she learned of Jason after the DeAnna incident, she wrote a letter expressing interest to his father (really?) and was later contacted by the show. At any rate, here she seems very sincere and nice, and Jason appears to take a liking to her. Go local girl!

 

Treasure (seriously), 28; Single Mom and Nurse Practitioner: Sent Home

Clarifies that "Treasure" is not a stage name. Which begs the question, was it your mother's stage name? And she named you that in honor of her days on the pole?

Next time on The Bachelor: I get to not spend two hours reliving this, thanks to a much lower number of women. At some point during the season, Jason makes out with everyone, DeAnna shows up (boooo), and in a perhaps related incident, Jason sobs in a gut-wrenchingly awful way on a balcony, and man, ABC editors, haven't you put him through enough yet?

I'm not dead yet

I'll be back soon. I have lots of stories about the violence inherent in the system and the workings of an autonomous collective. Or else, just more crap about reality TV.

(On Twitter? That's where I spend a lot of my time. @soslight)

The Bachelorette: What. A. Shock. Plus, Sex and the Second Life.

Oh my god, you guys, all my faith in love is GONE. DeAnna and Jesse broke up! WHY? Why are the gods so cruel!? If it didn't work out between two people who met each other on a reality show and defied the odds that say square pegs don't fit in round holes (that's like, a half step away from a euphemism that I'm not sure would have made sense anyway, but whatever) and were likely paid an incentive to get engaged, WHAT HOPE IS THERE FOR ME?

(Note: Probably more hope than there is for anyone hoping to get married on such a show.)

So yeah. In other implausible love stories, have we heard about the couple who met on Second Life and are now getting divorced? She caught him cheating on her. With a prostitute. What's that? Oh, no. In the game.

"You had SEX?"
"It was only digital baby, it didn't mean anything."
"You bastard! We had a WEDDING. In a VIDEO GAME. Don't you remember when you told me 'I prms 2 <3, chrish, & 0beY (lols) til some dood chops mah hed off in retaliation 4 me kickin his azz in DOOM. It rawked.' Did that mean NOTHING to you??!!"

(Okay, for the record, do NOT look up "second life sex" unless you want to see all kinds of things one should never see. Guh. I'm talking animal sex and childbirth. Yeah. Videogame childbirth. People post that sh!t on YouTube and it is detailed. Not detailed enough, however, that it isn't obvious that the person who wrote that part of the game isn't totally clear on where the baby comes out (because, who are we kidding, they can't be all that anatomically familiar with actual women, if you catch my drift). I am not linking that.)

(In my personal experience, I have played Second Life exactly once, and in those 15 minutes, most of which I spent choosing clothes and hairstyles for Second Me because that's the only fun part, I was approached by some kind of pygmy troll who asked if I'd like to fuck him. Tempting, but no. I date actual people, though if that's how they greet me, again, no thanks.)

Anyway, all is not lost for Second Life girl. She met a new guy, on World of Warcraft. And seriously, do not look up images on that. Really.